i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
