Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
