Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
