I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
