Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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