if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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