you guys were way drunker than both of me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize