You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
