The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize