The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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