apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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