Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
