The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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