so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
