We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
