so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
