Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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