I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
