I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
