last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Less talking, more tequila
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
