you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
