Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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