We're facebook friends in real life
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You are the jesus of drinking
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
