I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
