yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
