Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Porn is love you can see.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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