Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
