Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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