The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My ass is underappreciated
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
