She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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