If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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