i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
