i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
