wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
