I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
