i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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