I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
