Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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