***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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