I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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