Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
