she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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