Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
