He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
