yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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