Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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