Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
