Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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