If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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