I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
