Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
