You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
