I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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