I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
