felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
