i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
