I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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