Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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