I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
